i am done with my assignments and i almost feel like a small burden is lifted off from my shoulder. i had tough time to complete the assignments though. it was a big struggle. i didn't think they were good, but considering the time limit and my procrastinations, i think i did ok. i know i was yapping about them to some of you but i just had to. and i could not concentrate at work because my mind was thinking about the assignments. and my work had been a mess since last week. i don't think my new project manager was too impressed with me. but i just have to suck it up.

but i don't think things are getting any better with my life. by taking the course, i thought i had found purpose in life. i am still hoping it is. but somehow, doubts are starting to creep in to my mind. it always has. do i, unconsciously, try to sabotage myself? it's like i feel that i don't deserve happiness or things are going to plan for once and i start to panic.

anyway,

my granny will not be living with us soon. i know i always want to have this independent thing but surprisingly, when i first found out about it (that my granny's green card been rejected), it wasn't a feeling of relief or 'finally' that i had. it was more like as though something is not right.

then i start to think about it. and it hit me. things are not going to be the same. i think over the years, i'm already used to having my granny live with us. and i'm not talking about the house chores. it's the little things that i'm going to miss. like the call that she always gives when i'm not home by 8. or the night that i fall asleep while doing my assignment or watching tv and she would cover me with blanket.

i was only 14 going on 15 when i first i came here. and the only person that i could depend on until now is my granny.

honestly, i'm actually scared as fuck to live alone (well, with my cousins). but i guess it's the process of growing up. i have to push myself right up or i feel that i'll never be able to stand on my own two feet. i don't think anyone has any idea of how incredibly important this is to me.

anyway #2,

my sis is coming in like less than two weeks time and i'm uber excited. yeah and i'm still unsure whether i'm going to move out or stay put at the same. and exams are coming. yay.