i am falling out of my head. i am falling back into my cage. the cage that has restrained me to the world for years. the door was slightly open, and like a curious tiger, i approached it. however, that door was quickly closed and slammed on me. and the cage has taken control.

i have been told that i am not good enough. on more than one occasion. the first time it stings, but you can get back quickly. however, on each subsequent passing, it is no longer unforgettable as just someone's vain opinion. after some time, you actually start to believe it. not as though you want to, and you often know you should not, but repetition resonates.

so, the lesson i have learned again and i'll try to remember for the rest of my life, is that i am never going to be good enough. i will never be that person.

i will never experience things in life and i think i can get right with that. i know that i am inferior and inadequate, but until this year i actually thought i had a chance at a life that's worth living. but after reverberations and intimidation, i realize that i am not worthy of anything. i only have and am only entitled to what i can make for myself in and of myself.

and, although it takes me some time, i finally realize that i am not in any mood to be well received or looked at/toward/down upon. just keep your eyes off me and you will be better off. 'Someone like me' will only hurt and scar and burn.

and do not talk to me, 'someone like me' doesn't have any words that 'someone like you' would want to hear. i am abysmal and drowning. and i do not want your life vest. i do not want you to even notice. just let me sink. let me drown.

there is no need to feed your sense of self and belonging in helping. there is really no reason for you to be all up in my business. it is not as though it matters. you were fine long before me and you will be even better after me. i do not want empathy or sympathy or thoughts or emotions or words or any sense of caring. just let me go.

my head has been above water for long enough and sometimes i think this ocean will consume all of me. it is becoming harder and harder to tread water. i do not want to anymore.

i will find my own beach. my own life. my own place where 'someone like me' and someone 'that much' should be.

my own personal exile.