i am so tired of everything. sometimes i wish i have a new life. new friends. a new destination in life. a new goal. a new place to be. and warm. and friendly. a place where i can fit in. i am a bit non-conforming, i know. and i do not want an easy ride. i just want a place to be. to be me. to be satisfied. but will i ever be satisfied? can that insatiable need in me ever be filled? am i just a lost cause?

i just want to feel. feel something other than how i feel now. i want a good life. or just a life. i want the good and the bad. provided there is good, and not all bad.

maybe someday.

i just want. i just need. what i want is to find my place in life. to just be and breathe and feel happy and needed and wanted. just in some way. not even in a total and complete way.

i am disappointed. i feel that i am just treading water with nowhere to go. i do not want to live forever, but, at least i want to feel that this life was not just in vein and unworthy to live.

i am just me. and that's all i can be. why is that never good enough for me?

will i ever have a 'home'? does everyone deserve that? i just want to be me and feel. and be felt. and wanted. i am not that particular, i just want what i guess i'd never have.

i only feel that i am spinning my wheels in this race of life as i can't seem to get past the starting line. the green flag waves for everyone, but not for me.

why can't i ever do all those things? sorry about the fire in my mind and lack of connection, i am just worthless.

burn me, call me a liar, torment me with your shame and displeasure. but just do it and move away. as i will never reflect the sun. i will never shine.

say you can't come. leave me alone in my solemness. or just do something. because i am drowning. and i am too tired to swim.