thought that i'm sick with the column, so it's time to spill my thoughts.

i dunno why but i felt like as if someone is casting curses upon me! but when i look at myself, i see i'm pretty well off and all is pretty good, but i think i simply want more and more. i don't get it. i can hardly feel excited! i can hardly hear the thoughts that pass my mind, i can hardly feel what my heart feels. it's like a big guessing game! i don't know what's going on around me! i just wanna find a bench and sit there and watch everything fly by. sometimes throwing up a stop sign isn't a bad idea, to just let you get your thoughts back in order. sometimes i simply feel i can't function in any aspect whatsoever. it's like all gloomy, yet with no darkness, nothing to hinder me.

i blame all these on the human condition that we never seem to manage to understand ourselves, to be able to discover ourselves, and most importantly we can't admit what we feel.
and since i/we can't do these, i'm forever stuck here until i CAN do what is necessary. but i don't have time for that! to actually understand! and i don't know if i even have the will for that. i want to do something about it all. i don't think i can ever do that though and i hate myself for that, because at the end of each day i feel like slapping myself, regretting everything i've done. yet as the new morning arises, i never seem to learn.

another thing that may be bothering me or people? lol is realization!

i think i've realized that there are those people who you'd give anything for, no matter what you try to tell yourself. and that's a sad fact, because you know better than anyboday that it'll never work, yet your heart never relents. and every opportunity it gets, it'll bring your hopes up. and though sometimes, we get those people, most of the time we won't.

i find this such a sad fact but then you're restrained by such few words and love seems to be the only one that comes to mind. but i can't help but NOT call it love! because what is love if you can never get it? love must be something that makes you happy and that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

so I believe that, well i don't know this is a circle, so i wont' continue. you can come up with your own conclusions.

voila for now, with those being said, i have to get back to my book and continue to study. aren't people sick of studying? i guess they do. i always wonder whether those professors or those scientists are sick of studying 24/7. do they have life? don't they know that the fact that we only live once in our life that we should treaasure it every single second of it? k, i should stop whining yet AGAIN.