the holiday in indonesia was pretty fun despite the fact that i stayed at home or at my brother's office most of the time. i guess the feeling of going back to home after a year is exciting. in fact, me and my friends were talking about our secondary times for the whole night. we practically were laughing about all the stupid things that we've done. from vandilising the desk to hating on certain teacher. from the stupid little quarrel amongst our friends to the fun little outing with friends. endless talk, i tell you.

enough of the fun time. two months already. now its time to kick my own ass and start looking for a job. my sis helped me with the online resume yesterday. we went through everything till 3 am. it's not done yet though. can't even think of what to put for the duties during attachment. Executive PC Carrier? LMAO. *sighs* there's small fear within me that i won't be able to find the right job. what if the working environment stressful? what if the colleagues are bitches. what if.. what if.

i've manipulated myself so much to fit the identity that i should be that has become who i am. it's not that i'm trying to be fake, i've just become one now. how can they possibly tell me to be who i am when i don't know who i am, i don't know what to be when in reality fake is me. that is who i am. and its funny because people tell you to change, be who you are, but how can you when you've gone much too far, too far to turn back. it's not that easy when people assume everything about you. they think they're your friend when they have no idea what a friend is. just because i think it is common sense to be nice to everyone, to treat everyone with respect, and never in the right mind hurt anyone no matter how much they deserve it, it doesn't really mean that all of a sudden we're close. yeah, it's great to be civil, to be nice to everyone to bottle up whatever anger that i feel just so i don't hurt anyone else but myself. but how far is too far when eventually they literally expect it from me. like how my life is peachy keen. no one will ever question it even if everything fell apart the very next day. see, i work at it though, i work at keeping my life together, that perfect life that i lead, the no drama, no hate kind of life that many might crave. but it makes me sad sometimes because people's minds are so closed. like literally shut off to only work for themselves because that's all they care about. but there's more to fucking life than to get everyone to love you, there's more to misery and sadness than people hating you, there really are events that happen that are so much deeper than the petty little problems you have. it makes you really not give a crap if the world was against you. because real shit happens. my heart won't be your ragdoll anymore.